Here we go again! : )

It has been a while since I have written in here.

Just the other day I was thinking about how I hadn't felt the need to write in here.  But that's because even though I've had some semi-anxious feelings here and there, and have taken my "anti-panic" medicine several times, I haven't felt like I do right now for over three months!  That's awesome!   : )  Yay!

But here we go again right now.

I have a variety of "symptoms" -- the beginning of the panicky type of feelings, the runs, being cold/hot...........

It's 3:16 a.m. (do I put another period after the "a.m."?  It'll look funny if I do, so I'll just leave it.........)

I woke up at around 2:50 a.m. needing to go to the bathroom really urgently.  So I hurried in there and had the runs.   : (  Was it because of the spaghetti I made and ate last night for dinner?

Am I feeling bad because I let the fan blow on me while I was on the floor doing my nightly stretches?

Let's focus on the positive......  It's been over THREE months since I've felt this way!  Yay!

After going to the bathroom, I (yes, I need to clip my fingernails -- they're getting slightly in the way as I'm typing here!) -- I laid back down, but then got cold and then hot, and got these feelings, so decided -- nope -- I need to get up and take some medicine for this and stay up if I need to.  Thankfully we went to bed at a little after 10 p.m. -- so that's another positive thing.   : )  I did get about 5 hours of sleep before this happened.

So I got up, took some medicine and then decided to just stay up for a while and blog while I'm feeling this way.  It's helpful.

I'm a bit tired now.  I'm also thirsty.  I'm going to go drink some more water.  I'll be right back.

Oh -- but before I get up -- I'm also thinking about various scriptures and songs and "The Articles of Faith".   : )

I've gone and gotten a drink of water, and now I'm back.

I'm also trying to breathe.  Breathe in...... slowly and deeply..... and then breathe out....... slowly.  Breathe in....... slowly, deeply..... breathe out............

It's 3:27 in the morning...........

When I logged-in here, I noticed that one of my sisters has posted a few new posts on her blog site!  Yay!  That's something I look forward to going back and reading sometime today.   : )  I might not get to it this morning, but I'll go back and read it soon.  (I will write a note to myself....  There -- note written.)   : )  Thanks to my sister for giving me something to look forward to!

This right here -- these feelings -- are not for me to figure out.  They're just there.  And I'm just "allowing" my body to do it's thing that happens periodically.  I prayed for angels to be with me, and I'm feeling help beyond my own abilities right now.

I think the medicine is helping me too.  Yay!

I need some more water............  I'll be right back....

I'm back, and I'm aware that I'm receiving help from above because I am also aware that the feelings are not gone yet, and that I'm not through this yet.

There's nothing for me to "do" about that, except for just to keep typing.   : )

I'll just stay with what I've got going on here, and just "sit tight" and hold on until I'm doing better.

It's 3:38 a.m.

Earlier, when I decided I'd just stay up until it's "over", I was thinking that it's kind of like staying up with a baby or someone who's sick.  I'm staying up with myself.   : )

I can hear my intestines making noises.

I'm thankful for this blog site to be able to "come to" whenever I need to sit and type at times like these.

I'm thankful that I'm doing OK through this right now.  I'm feeling OK at the moment, despite what's going on.

I'm feeling a bit more tired.......  I'm thinking, "Should I go to bed and lie down?"  "Would I stay there?"  "Would I need to get up soon after lying (or laying?? -- which is it?!) down, to go to the bathroom?".

It's 3:45 a.m. -- Maybe I'll stay up until 4 a.m. and if I'm ready to lie down at that time, then I'll lie down......

That's 15 minutes away from now, and I'm tired now.......  My eyes are feeling droopy.  I might not last 15 more minutes to stay up.   : )

That's good.....

I think I'll quit here for now.  Yep.

If I end up getting back up, that's fine.  For now, I'll just go see if I can stay in bed and fall asleep.

Thanks for tuning in.

That's all for now.

Have a good day.   : )

Today's Story : )

My head hurts.  I had a "panic attack" this morning -- from around 6 a.m. to 8 or 8:30 a.m.

That is an odd time for me to have a panic attack.  They're typically late at night or early in the morning (3 or 4 a.m.).  I don't typically have them during the day.  But it was still early in the morning -- just not super early.

The last panic attack I had was about 3 weeks ago, and it was almost 3 straight nights in a row, and I took my medicine for it each time.

Today, I did not take my medicine, because I had already slept well last night, and I didn't want to sleep 4-8 more hours, which would happen if I took the medicine.

I felt like I would be able to deal with the normal "doom and gloom" feelings that I get, and thankfully, with prayer and God's help, I was able to stay calm enough.  I breathed in slowly and just tried to remember that it would end soon.  It normally only lasts about 3 hours, so I'd be feeling better by Noon.

I was hot and cold.

Some of the thoughts that entered my brain were regarding a minor medical issue that I'm having -- "Will I get the help I need?  I NEED HELP!".  I had to remember that yes, I just need to call the doctor this morning, and he'll help me.

One of the other negative thoughts was something like:  "When I'm older, I'll be in pain, and I'll have nothing to do but sit around and be in pain, and I don't want that."

I had to work at not thinking "Oh NO!  The Sky Is Falling!!!!!!!" thoughts.

I looked through old papers which I want to organize, and I found a couple of mood-lifting letters.  One was from a friend who sent out their Christmas letter, and she said, "Here is our annual journal entry that we send out to friends and family in hopes of catching up and relieving our conscience."   : )  Ha ha!  I thought that was funny!  She is a long-time friend, and I have always admired her "go-get-'em", fearless attitude.

The other letter I found was from my sister, who was on a mission for our Church, and she wrote on a "Happy Birthday" napkin for my birthday, and wrote, "Hope all is well -- enjoy life!  Take things as they come & SMILE!".

: )  I was glad that I found both of those letters this morning.   : )  They helped me to lighten up a bit and remember to laugh and keep a sense of humor.

Right now, it's like my brain has had a total mental work-out and is exhausted.

When I told my husband that I had a headache, he said something like, "It's probably because your brain rapidly mis-fired signals, so now you have a headache."

My husband noticed that my voice sounded labored during the "episode".  I noticed it too, and he says that my voice sounds more normal now.

It's now 10 a.m., and I'm doing better mentally.  The thoughts are gone, but my head still really hurts, and I feel like sleeping.

I am very thankful that I'm doing better, and that I didn't have to take the medicine.

'Til next time -- Take it easy!  Do LESS more SLOWLY.........

Remember to keep a sense of humor about this life we live!

Breathe and smile!

Panic Attacks Explained...... (mine, at least)

Last month and this month have been pretty good for me.

Although tonight, I'm feeling a bit on the antsy side, and am considering taking a Clonazepam.  I haven't decided yet for sure....

Tonight I was thinking about how to explain what I feel during a "panic attack", and I think I've got a description that fits really well.

Imagine that you're driving down a wide open highway out in the middle of nowhere at 9 o'clock at night.  You need to go to the bathroom really badly (#1 and 2) because you haven't gone for about 6 or 7 hours.  But the nearest place with "facilities" is 3 hours away.

You're also starving, because the last thing you ate was a half of a bowl of cereal as you rushed out the door at 7 o'clock this morning, and you forgot your bag full of snacks on the kitchen table.

On top of all of that, there's a blizzard outside, it's slippery, you left your chains at home, and you're freezing cold because your heater quit about an hour ago.

And your gas tank is just about empty.

That right there -- the feelings of needing to "get some relief" by visiting a "facility", along with the feeling of being very hungry and very cold -- feeling all of those THREE feelings at the SAME time, with no relief in sight --  That might come somewhat close to how it feels for me to have a "panic attack".  (And reading all of what I just typed doesn't help me!!!)   : )

One of the thoughts I had as I thought about that analogy is that during the panicky feelings, I also worry about ALL of the things I either have or haven't done.  And I get the urge to want to do everything I need to do.

That's it.

I just thought about all of that and thought I'd type it up.

May God Bless you with PEACE and comfort.

Breathe in and out.

Smile!

It's really going to be OK.

I'm going to be OK.

I've been OK for several days now in a row -- almost 2 months actually.

So no matter how I feel tonight......... sore throat with allergies; boots that don't exactly fit right for helping out at the horse place, and whatever else I might be concerned about tonight..........

It's all going to be OK in the end.

Yep.

: )

Sometimes you're up.  Sometimes you're not as up.    : )

I don't like this feeling that's creeping up on me, but I'll survive.  I'll make it through it.

With God's help, I'll make it through.

Tonight's Thoughts....... at 8:32 p.m.

Last night, I didn't sleep well again.   Grrrrrr..........

It wasn't AS bad as the other night, but not real good either.......

And I had to get up at 8 a.m. to be ready to leave at 9:15 a.m. for an appointment.

So I survived the day.

Now it's time to get ready for bed.

EEEK!!!!

I'm not ready!

I have this and that and the other to do!

And I want to be ready for bed by 10 p.m.

I don't think I have the time.

Maybe I have the time, but I might have to leave out something.

I did 2 loads of laundry and vacuumed one room today.

I listened to some scriptures online.

And goofed off for about an hour and 45 minutes.

Well...........

I'm not a horrible person.

I have two main thoughts:

1)  JESUS is the reason why I will get "into Heaven", if I get there.   : )  It won't have a WHOLE lot to do with anything great that I have done.  NO amount of my goodness will get me through the pearly gates.

It will be all because of Jesus, and his mercy, and my willingness to repent and try to be good.

2)  My NUMBER ONE priority tonight is:  MY SANITY.

It's not whether I am able to get ALL of my stretches and exercises done.

Nope.

Sanity.

My sanity comes first.  Remember that.

If I'm able to brush my teeth and floss a few of them, and put in my splint, that will do.

If I'm able to anything else, great.

If not, no biggie.  Let's not make this mole-hill into a MOUNTAIN, OK?

It's JUST.....NOT...... worth it.

So -- again -- let's recap.......

I'm not a loser.  I'm human.  And JESUS is my Savior.  Let's not get too caught up in how many good things you need to do in order to be considered a good person.

# 2 -- Sanity is the Priority.

Breathe.  Smile.  Keep a good sense of humor.

You will survive the night, even if you don't get much sleep YET AGAIN.

You will survive the night, even if you have pain.

You will survive the night.

Tomorrow, you'll wake up, and be able to do the things that you need to do.

It'll all be OK.

Breathe.

: )

OK -- That's it for now.


Have a good day and night!

Little Toe on Left Foot

Yesterday my little toe on my left foot started hurting on the left side of it, just to the left of my toe nail.

It's red, and I think it's from being rubbed from walking.  The toe is a little "askew" anyway -- it's turned a little to the left.

So when I'd bump it, it hurt.

So last night I went to bed, closed my eyes, and tried to fall asleep, but couldn't.  I'd dream a little bit, but then wake up.

I believe it's because my "sub-conscious" was "concerned" about that little toe!

I thought to myself -- my sheets and blankets aren't pressing against it.  I should be fine.

But my sub-conscious must have been thinking, "Yes, but we normally rub our feet together during the night, as we're "processing" and "filing" the day away in the brain, and we can't do that with the toe hurting like that, so we can't sleep."

I was thinking, "I'm fine.  Let's just fall asleep!"

But no.

So at 3:30 a.m., I got up to take a "nature break", and to drink some water.

Then I laid back down, thinking, "If I put a band-aid on it, then it wouldn't get bumped if my feet rub against each other."  But I thought, "I'm too tired to be concerned about finding the band-aids and putting one on, so let's just lie back down."  I hoped to be able to fall asleep.

Nope.

I still didn't fall asleep again.  I dreamed a little, then woke up.

At 8 a.m., I got up and asked my husband to get me a band-aid for my toe.  I told him I was going to "go to the bathroom" and then go back to sleep.  He suggested that perhaps I should eat something and then take a Clonazepam so that it would help me sleep.  I thought that was a good idea, since I NEEDED some sleep.

So I did all of that, and then at around 9:30 a.m., laid back down until around 1:30 p.m.

I could have slept some more, but I was hungry, and wanted to get up so that I'd be able to sleep tonight.

So I got up and I have been up all day.

Now it's 8:15 p.m., and I'm getting ready for bed.  I'm still quite tired from the Clonazepam, and not being able to sleep the full 8 hours that it'll put me to sleep for.

I'm looking forward to a good night's rest.

Things I'm thankful for are:

1)  I was able to stay calm all night and even this morning before I laid down again at 9:30.  So that is very good.

2)  I had prayed for Heavenly Father to help me, and he did.

I pray that he helps me again tonight, so that I can sleep well.

The pain in my back is doing better lately!  Yay!

The micro-bead "travel pillow" that has the snap in the front is what I slip onto my arm each night.  I put it under my left triceps.  That helps my arm get comfortable so that my back doesn't hurt so much.

ALSO -- per the suggestions of my Chiropractor and my chiropractor brother, I started lifting weights 3 weeks ago!!!  THAT has helped a LOT.

Now, when I lie down at night, I lie on my right side for a few minutes, then I put the travel pillow on my upper left arm, and then roll onto my back, and then I adjust the travel pillow a little bit, and then after only a couple of minutes (instead of a couple of hours), the pain in my back subsides enough to be able to sleep.

So -- Although last night was mostly sleepless, I survived, and for the last 3 weeks, the pain in my back has been less than it's ever been in the last 2 years.

I am very thankful for that.

I think that's it for now!

That's the latest news!

Have a good day!

"This isn't an active Volcano..................."

1-27-14

Wow.  Those feelings are creeping up again, so I'm here to blog about it.  "News -- AS it Happens!"  (Sorry for any mis-spellings or grammar errors.  I don't want to have to read through this after typing it all.)   : )

This month I've taken 3 Clonazepam pills during the whole month -- 3 separate times.

I would rather not take it.  I don't want to have to take any.

Currently, I have chest congestion, and some nose congestion, so I'm taking Mucinex and prescription strength Sudafed.

I know that the strength to overcome and deal with the panic attacks, or whatever you want to call it -- the strength comes from GOD.

I do NOT have the strength to deal with it.  Nope.  I am WEAK.

But by praying to Heavenly Father, and asking for His help, I can make it through the trial.

So I am praying to Heavenly Father that He will give me some of His strength.  I know He has LOTS of power, and that He will help me.

I know that during this life, we will experience things that aren't pleasant.

But I know that God is there.  He wants us to pray to Him for help.

I will breathe in and out.  Deeply.  I will smile!  That helps.  I will think of something funny.

Things that are good that have happened today are:

I went on a walk this morning.  I ate a good lunch that had vegetables in it (stir-fry veggies with chicken and rice).

I was able to talk to my son tonight.  That was very nice.

I'm breathing.

Smiling.

I am HOPING that I am able to sleep tonight.

The Mucinex and the Sudafed BOTH help me be able to breathe pretty well.  The Mucinex does its job of helping expectorate what's in my lungs.

In about another hour, I'll take another 12-hour Mucinex.

I've been cold today.  Right now I have a sweater and my warm, hooded, zip-up sweatshirt on, with the hood on.

I haven't eaten anything for dinner yet.

OK -- in regards to the title for this post -- I put, "This isn't an active Volcano.........." because each day, I think to myself -- I know that I've had "panic attacks" for many years now, but it's not going to happen again.  I don't have a problem.

Riiiiiigggggghhhhhhhttttttttttttttttttttttttttt...................................

: )

So it's been a while since I've read my helpful books that I have that have positive thoughts in them, which help me!

But ----------- as I've mentioned in another post -- now is NOT the time to be thinking of all of my short-comings!

Thinking of things that I'm thankful helps.

I'm thankful for the medicine that I have that helps me be able to breathe.  I'm thankful that I was able to talk to my son today.  I'm thankful for food to eat.  I'm thankful for indoor plumbing.  I'm thankful for a loving family.  I'm thankful for friends that think I'm funny.  I'm thankful for the talent of playing the piano.  I'm thankful for my overall health.  I'm thankful for the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life.  I'm thankful to know that Jesus has suffered for my sins, so if I repent, I can be forgiven.  I don't have to carry around the burden of all of my mistakes.

Although we live in a world where there is sin and sorrow, I believe that Jesus will come again soon, and that one day, I can live with Heavenly Father again and be beyond all of this unpleasantness.

I'm here right now.  So since I'm here, and Jesus's 2nd Coming hasn't happened yet, I get the opportunity to endure each day.

I am reminding myself to Smile.  : )   Breathe.   : )  It's going to be OK.

Smile.  Breathe.  Have FAITH and HOPE.

Any negative thoughts that enter my brain are not from Heavenly Father.

I can clear the stage of my mind.  I can go up in a cherry picker, above it all.  I can have the protection I need by praying to Heavenly Father to help me and to protect me from negative thoughts.

I can envision tomorrow............  Tomorrow, after I get up, somewhere after 9 a.m. or 11 a.m., I will be doing a lot better.

The sun will be back up in the sky.  You'll eat breakfast, lunch, dinner......  You'll read some scriptures.  You'll listen to a General Conference talk........ You'll smile.  You'll be OK.

Heavenly Father will help you through this night, and every other night.

I love the song, "Abide With Me 'Tis Eventide".  I love the song, "This is The Christ".  I love the Welsh lullaby, "Suo Gan".

Things I try to remember are:  Sometimes you're up.  Sometimes you're down.  Look at the doughnut.  Take one day at a time.  Tomorrow is a new day!  Slow down.  It might work out better than you can imagine.  There's always something to do.  There will always be problems to solve, or that will not be solved.

Let's see -- anything else?

I'm trying to do the best that I can each day.

I recently read some good advice.  "Laugh each day."  That is really good advice.

Be content with whatever's going on at the moment.  Accept whatever's happening.  It is what it is.

Attitude is everything.  Lighten up!  Some things in life are serious things.  But not everything needs to be dealt with so seriously.

Stuff happens.  Life happens.  We live and keep moving on.

Learn from those who have gone before you.  Read what they have had to say about how they dealt with life.

Do good to others.  Love others.  Live high moral standards.  Go to Church.

Just typing those things makes me a little anxious!  Hmmmmmmm.................  all of those "NEED to" things.  "Should do......" things.

So.......... again -- try to do the best that you can.  Repent.  We will ALL make mistakes every single day.

That's why we need Jesus.  That's why he made the atonement for us.

Breathe.

And smile.

And start again tomorrow.

Try again tomorrow.

It'll be alright in the end.

I'm not totally feeling better right now, but I think I'll end here anyway.

May GOD bless each of you as you go through your own personal struggles.  It is difficult, but Heavenly Father will lighten your load as you turn to Him.  Pray to Him in the name of Jesus Christ.  He will send you a portion of his strength!  You don't need much of HIS strength!  A little dab-'ll do it!

I am weak, but He is strong.

I can do this.  I will make it through, with God's help.

'Til next time.........  See ya.   : )

P.S.  I wish I didn't have to "hang-up"..............  but I do, and I will................  I can call the county help hotline if I need to, and I can also talk with my husband......... AND Heavenly Father.  I can ask Him to send His Angles......  It's going to be OK.   : )