1-25-18
This morning, my nose was stuffy, I was still tired, even after being able to sleep 7 or 8 hours last night.
We got in the car to go to my husband's work. On the way, I texted a note to a friend. I normally try not to do that, because reading or focusing on anything in the car often makes me get a big headache, and my eyes and stomach hurt if I do it for an extended period of time. However, I wanted to make sure I sent the text, so I did.
Shortly thereafter I felt some "panicky" feelings. Then I started getting hot. Then cold, and I felt the urge to visit a bathroom.
I took a Clonazepam. I was thinking that perhaps I can take it during the day without it making me fall asleep since I already fell asleep last night, whereas if I take it at night, I'm already really tired from the day's work, that it just makes me fall asleep.
9 a.m.
I'm a little tired right now, and could probably lie down and sleep, but I have to leave soon to go to work today, so I do not have time to sleep, but I do not have those feelings, so that's good. They went away soon after I felt them and after I took the Clonazepam.
On the drive home, I thought that the feelings are akin to feeling Claustrophobic. I remember in 2003, when I had an enclosed MRI test, I did not last long. I started feeling buried alive, and wanted to get out, so they brought me out.
The "panicky" feelings often arise, out of nowhere, as they did today, and I feel like I need to get away from those feelings. I sort of frantically searching my mind for a way to stop the feelings.
Those are my thoughts for now. : )
Thursday, January 25, 2018
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
5:35 AM......
Howdy.
It's 5:35 a.m.
I am here right now because I'm working through a panic attack at the moment.
I went to bed at 10 p.m. last night. I woke up a little before 5 a.m. At first, it was just the normal, "nature break" time. I got up, went to the bathroom, then put earplugs in so that I could sleep through any possible up-coming noise.
I had a little bit of a headache. I drank water. I took 2 ibuprophen. I blew my nose.....
I went back to bed to lie down and then my stomach started to hurt. I was feeling very hungry.
I just began a "weight-loss" program on June 11th, and it's a pretty regimented one. Eat 110 calories every 2 hours -- 5 times a day and then eat some protein and veggies.
I began to have a panic attack. My mind started spinning and thinking about all of the things that I should do to stop the panic attack. I had wanted to sleep some more, but oh well! It was time to take a Clonazepam and EAT a few things.
I took a Clonazepam, drank water, had to run to the bathroom again. I prayed for help.
I took out my "splint" (which I wear over my bottom teeth).
Then got 1/2 cup of cottage cheese, started eating it, then opened-up one of the 110 calorie bars, and began eating it. Got an electrolyte drink from the fridge and began drinking it. Ate about 9 pistachios.
I'm starting to feel really tired.
The panic feelings are subsiding. : ) Yay!
I recorded what I've eaten.
I felt a little overwhelmed as I was thinking about my son's upcoming marriage, and going there, and being the "perfect Mom". I thought to myself, "It's not about you. It's about him. It's his day. He's not aware of all of your feelings. He cares, sure, a little bit, as much as a son can. : ) But he's oblivious to your "pain" that you feel from not being able to be with him 24/7 for his later growing-up years. It's water underneath the bridge. There's nothing you can do to change it, and there's nothing you can do to "make" him feel a certain way toward you. Let it come naturally. If he feels a certain way toward you -- great! Hopefully he only has positive thoughts about you. You have done what you can to support him and love him. : )
I also want to succeed on this program. I do not like the painful hunger feelings each morning lately.
I believe that with God's help, I will be able to succeed.
There's a book and a workbook that goes with the program that I could/should be reading. I struggle with wanting to take the time to read anything, actually, but I know it would probably be helpful to read it as I go through my day-to-day activities.
There's food in the fridge that I haven't been eating, since I'm on this program, and can't eat it right now..... oh well.
I haven't been organizing the papers on my desk, etc....
I should probably stop typing now. My energy is low, since the Clonazepam has kicked-in! : ) I am SO thankful that I have Clonazepam to take for these times.
I might brush my teeth, put my splint back in and go lie back down for 2 or 3 hours, and then get back up to eat my 2nd "small" meal of the day. : )
Have a good day!!
It's 5:35 a.m.
I am here right now because I'm working through a panic attack at the moment.
I went to bed at 10 p.m. last night. I woke up a little before 5 a.m. At first, it was just the normal, "nature break" time. I got up, went to the bathroom, then put earplugs in so that I could sleep through any possible up-coming noise.
I had a little bit of a headache. I drank water. I took 2 ibuprophen. I blew my nose.....
I went back to bed to lie down and then my stomach started to hurt. I was feeling very hungry.
I just began a "weight-loss" program on June 11th, and it's a pretty regimented one. Eat 110 calories every 2 hours -- 5 times a day and then eat some protein and veggies.
I began to have a panic attack. My mind started spinning and thinking about all of the things that I should do to stop the panic attack. I had wanted to sleep some more, but oh well! It was time to take a Clonazepam and EAT a few things.
I took a Clonazepam, drank water, had to run to the bathroom again. I prayed for help.
I took out my "splint" (which I wear over my bottom teeth).
Then got 1/2 cup of cottage cheese, started eating it, then opened-up one of the 110 calorie bars, and began eating it. Got an electrolyte drink from the fridge and began drinking it. Ate about 9 pistachios.
I'm starting to feel really tired.
The panic feelings are subsiding. : ) Yay!
I recorded what I've eaten.
I felt a little overwhelmed as I was thinking about my son's upcoming marriage, and going there, and being the "perfect Mom". I thought to myself, "It's not about you. It's about him. It's his day. He's not aware of all of your feelings. He cares, sure, a little bit, as much as a son can. : ) But he's oblivious to your "pain" that you feel from not being able to be with him 24/7 for his later growing-up years. It's water underneath the bridge. There's nothing you can do to change it, and there's nothing you can do to "make" him feel a certain way toward you. Let it come naturally. If he feels a certain way toward you -- great! Hopefully he only has positive thoughts about you. You have done what you can to support him and love him. : )
I also want to succeed on this program. I do not like the painful hunger feelings each morning lately.
I believe that with God's help, I will be able to succeed.
There's a book and a workbook that goes with the program that I could/should be reading. I struggle with wanting to take the time to read anything, actually, but I know it would probably be helpful to read it as I go through my day-to-day activities.
There's food in the fridge that I haven't been eating, since I'm on this program, and can't eat it right now..... oh well.
I haven't been organizing the papers on my desk, etc....
I should probably stop typing now. My energy is low, since the Clonazepam has kicked-in! : ) I am SO thankful that I have Clonazepam to take for these times.
I might brush my teeth, put my splint back in and go lie back down for 2 or 3 hours, and then get back up to eat my 2nd "small" meal of the day. : )
Have a good day!!
Saturday, April 22, 2017
It has been a while..............
Hi! I haven't posted anything on here since July of 2015.
I have still felt the need to take a Clonazepam about once a month, almost every month, when I've felt "those feelings" coming on, but during the last almost 2 years, I don't think I've had a "panic attack" experience like I did this past Wednesday night.
Wednesday was busy for me. I ate a good breakfast, but I did not have a really good lunch or dinner. I also ate a FEW sweets that evening, but not a lot.
I didn't have to make lemon bars AND chocolate chip cookies to take to the Relief Society game night at church, but I did. I wanted to do a "test-run" of making lemon bars, because next week, there is a funeral, and I signed-up to take lemon bars to the luncheon, and I haven't made lemon bars in a LONG time, so I wasn't sure if I had a recipe that I liked.
Then, I thought that if the lemon bars didn't turn-out good, I wanted to have a back-up dessert to take to the Relief Society game night, and I had the time......., so I made the cookies too. (An ingredient of a recipe for a bad night.)
The day before, I had contacted a sister in our Ward and asked her for a ride to church, however, after I had made the lemon bars and cookies, I was feeling like I should stay home, because I wanted to just sit and relax, after concentrating so hard on making the lemon bars and cookies. I felt like my brain needed a rest. However -- I somehow felt obligated to go and interact, so I did not call and cancel my ride. (This was probably the wrong thing to do at this point.)
The lemon bars turned out good enough. People liked them. However -- next time, I think I might want to put powdered sugar in the shortbread part, instead of sugar. But that means making another "tester" batch..... so if I don't get around to doing that, I might just want to keep the recipe as it is for now and do a new tester batch another day.
Interacting with others always somewhat stresses me out, since I feel pressure to say and do all the right things! Although, when I type out my thoughts, it seems a bit ridiculous to feel that way.
Anyway -- I survived the night, came home, and then received a call from a lady in our Ward who asked me if I'd be able to give her a ride somewhere the next afternoon. I said I could do that.
Of course, that meant that I'd need to get up early the next morning so that I could ride with my husband to his work so that I could have the car.
I had been looking forward to sleeping-in the next day, but now, that wasn't going to happen.
Was that the "straw" that broke me? Perhaps. I don't know.
I started feeling very icky. I started to panic. I took a Clonazepam. I started sweating. Then I got cold. I felt nauseous. I got ready for bed and laid down. My husband came in the room to be with me. He hadn't been feeling that great either. He said he had several sore muscles in his back and neck. I felt bad that he was having to take care of me instead of lying down himself so that he could rest. But I couldn't dwell on that. There was nothing I could do to change anything.
He asked me if I wanted him to call the lady back and tell her I couldn't pick her up the next day. I told him yes, even though I knew I'd feel better the next afternoon, I didn't really want to have to get up early the next day and I didn't want to think about what I needed to do the next day.
He left and then came back in the room and said he couldn't reach her on her phone, so he would call her the next day.
Then I felt like I needed to throw-up. I sat up and picked-up my trash can that was beside my bed. Pretty soon, I threw-up several times, and then my stomach felt a LOT better!
I went and drank a cup of milk and some water. Then I brushed my teeth again.
I took another Clonazepam, since the first one hadn't done anything, and had most surely exited my body, along with the contents of my stomach.
I then laid back down and started feeling more relaxed, and I was able to fall asleep pretty quickly.
Phew.
I slept several hours, then sometime around 4 a.m., I woke up to take a "nature break", and was feeling a lot better, so I wrote a note to my husband to let him know I was feeling better, and that I was going to go with him in the morning to his work so that I could help that lady.
I went back to bed and then woke again with my alarm, went with my husband to his work and then was able to help the lady in the afternoon.
THE END
I have still felt the need to take a Clonazepam about once a month, almost every month, when I've felt "those feelings" coming on, but during the last almost 2 years, I don't think I've had a "panic attack" experience like I did this past Wednesday night.
Wednesday was busy for me. I ate a good breakfast, but I did not have a really good lunch or dinner. I also ate a FEW sweets that evening, but not a lot.
I didn't have to make lemon bars AND chocolate chip cookies to take to the Relief Society game night at church, but I did. I wanted to do a "test-run" of making lemon bars, because next week, there is a funeral, and I signed-up to take lemon bars to the luncheon, and I haven't made lemon bars in a LONG time, so I wasn't sure if I had a recipe that I liked.
Then, I thought that if the lemon bars didn't turn-out good, I wanted to have a back-up dessert to take to the Relief Society game night, and I had the time......., so I made the cookies too. (An ingredient of a recipe for a bad night.)
The day before, I had contacted a sister in our Ward and asked her for a ride to church, however, after I had made the lemon bars and cookies, I was feeling like I should stay home, because I wanted to just sit and relax, after concentrating so hard on making the lemon bars and cookies. I felt like my brain needed a rest. However -- I somehow felt obligated to go and interact, so I did not call and cancel my ride. (This was probably the wrong thing to do at this point.)
The lemon bars turned out good enough. People liked them. However -- next time, I think I might want to put powdered sugar in the shortbread part, instead of sugar. But that means making another "tester" batch..... so if I don't get around to doing that, I might just want to keep the recipe as it is for now and do a new tester batch another day.
Interacting with others always somewhat stresses me out, since I feel pressure to say and do all the right things! Although, when I type out my thoughts, it seems a bit ridiculous to feel that way.
Anyway -- I survived the night, came home, and then received a call from a lady in our Ward who asked me if I'd be able to give her a ride somewhere the next afternoon. I said I could do that.
Of course, that meant that I'd need to get up early the next morning so that I could ride with my husband to his work so that I could have the car.
I had been looking forward to sleeping-in the next day, but now, that wasn't going to happen.
Was that the "straw" that broke me? Perhaps. I don't know.
I started feeling very icky. I started to panic. I took a Clonazepam. I started sweating. Then I got cold. I felt nauseous. I got ready for bed and laid down. My husband came in the room to be with me. He hadn't been feeling that great either. He said he had several sore muscles in his back and neck. I felt bad that he was having to take care of me instead of lying down himself so that he could rest. But I couldn't dwell on that. There was nothing I could do to change anything.
He asked me if I wanted him to call the lady back and tell her I couldn't pick her up the next day. I told him yes, even though I knew I'd feel better the next afternoon, I didn't really want to have to get up early the next day and I didn't want to think about what I needed to do the next day.
He left and then came back in the room and said he couldn't reach her on her phone, so he would call her the next day.
Then I felt like I needed to throw-up. I sat up and picked-up my trash can that was beside my bed. Pretty soon, I threw-up several times, and then my stomach felt a LOT better!
I went and drank a cup of milk and some water. Then I brushed my teeth again.
I took another Clonazepam, since the first one hadn't done anything, and had most surely exited my body, along with the contents of my stomach.
I then laid back down and started feeling more relaxed, and I was able to fall asleep pretty quickly.
Phew.
I slept several hours, then sometime around 4 a.m., I woke up to take a "nature break", and was feeling a lot better, so I wrote a note to my husband to let him know I was feeling better, and that I was going to go with him in the morning to his work so that I could help that lady.
I went back to bed and then woke again with my alarm, went with my husband to his work and then was able to help the lady in the afternoon.
THE END
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Yep, I made it through the morning....
It's now 10:36 at night.
I survived the morning.
Here's what happened.
5 a.m. -- I took some ibuprophen for my headache.
7 a.m. -- After I took the Clonazepam, which is a pretty low dose of the medicine, I tried calling three people (friends/family), but nobody answered their phone.
I prayed for help.
I picked up a trash can and threw-up.
I drank some milk.
I did not want to wake my husband, because he was tired too, but..... I really needed to talk to someone, so I woke him up, as I held the trash can to my chest.
He has always told me that I can wake him up if I need him.
He asked what I needed him to do for me.
It was helpful just to know that he knew what was going on with me.
I told him I was going to try to sleep, but that I needed to go to the bathroom (again), and brush my teeth and my mouth guard.
Then I told him I needed some more blankets (on my side of the bed).
I laid down (after getting my back comfortable -- that one spot that always hurts).
It took a while.
Then, as I was trying to just relax and go to sleep, I felt that maybe I had thrown-up the Clonazepam, and my head still hurt, so I got back up, took another Clonazepam and some more ibuprophen.
Then I went back into our bedroom and threw-up again into the trash can. Great.
I got up, drank some more milk and some water.
Then went right back to bed, and was able to fall asleep and stay asleep until 1 p.m.!!! Yay!!!!!
I am SO thankful that Heavenly Father helped me.
I felt good after I woke up, and I've been doing good all day.
Time for bed now.
Have a good night. : )
I survived the morning.
Here's what happened.
5 a.m. -- I took some ibuprophen for my headache.
7 a.m. -- After I took the Clonazepam, which is a pretty low dose of the medicine, I tried calling three people (friends/family), but nobody answered their phone.
I prayed for help.
I picked up a trash can and threw-up.
I drank some milk.
I did not want to wake my husband, because he was tired too, but..... I really needed to talk to someone, so I woke him up, as I held the trash can to my chest.
He has always told me that I can wake him up if I need him.
He asked what I needed him to do for me.
It was helpful just to know that he knew what was going on with me.
I told him I was going to try to sleep, but that I needed to go to the bathroom (again), and brush my teeth and my mouth guard.
Then I told him I needed some more blankets (on my side of the bed).
I laid down (after getting my back comfortable -- that one spot that always hurts).
It took a while.
Then, as I was trying to just relax and go to sleep, I felt that maybe I had thrown-up the Clonazepam, and my head still hurt, so I got back up, took another Clonazepam and some more ibuprophen.
Then I went back into our bedroom and threw-up again into the trash can. Great.
I got up, drank some more milk and some water.
Then went right back to bed, and was able to fall asleep and stay asleep until 1 p.m.!!! Yay!!!!!
I am SO thankful that Heavenly Father helped me.
I felt good after I woke up, and I've been doing good all day.
Time for bed now.
Have a good night. : )
I don't like that I am here again........
I waited 2 hours before taking a Clonazepam, and then decided -- just take it.
My decision-making abilities are a bit askew at the moment.
I woke up a little before 5 a.m.
My head hurt, my right shoulder hurt and I needed to go to the bathroom.
I am glad that I finally decided to take a Clonazepam.
I am SO tired.
And cold.
I don't want to type anymore here.
I believe I am going to get through this.
Typing helps but I just want this to end............. It will go away as it has every single time before.
I think I will call someone...............
That's all for now.
My decision-making abilities are a bit askew at the moment.
I woke up a little before 5 a.m.
My head hurt, my right shoulder hurt and I needed to go to the bathroom.
I am glad that I finally decided to take a Clonazepam.
I am SO tired.
And cold.
I don't want to type anymore here.
I believe I am going to get through this.
Typing helps but I just want this to end............. It will go away as it has every single time before.
I think I will call someone...............
That's all for now.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Howdy
It's time for me to go to bed, but I need to do a few things first.
I have a really stuffy nose.
I didn't sleep much last night.
I will be taking a Clonazepam tonight for sure so that I can sleep.
I will survive the night.
I am posting this here to prove to myself that I WILL survive the night, and that life will go on tomorrow.
I have taken 2 Sudafed (at around 7:20 p.m.).
I HAVE to be able to breathe. I expect the Clonazepam to help me sleep, in spite of the Sudafed.
I squirted saline solution up my nose. I will gargle with salt water.
I didn't eat much today. I didn't feel like it, so I drank some Gatorade. : ) I also had an apple and an orange today -- and some Fun-Yuns (Onion-flavored crispy things), and 2 Metamucil bars (for some fiber). (My husband left me a note this morning that said to have a little fun today, so even though I don't recall having any fun yet today (due to my nose), I did have a little bit of FUN-Yuns!)
I asked the Sisters in my Ward to pray for me. I think there are already a few of them praying for me now because I feel a little bit less stressed about my nose situation.
I feel that I will be OK tonight.
Time to stop typing and just get ready for bed. It's 8:57 p.m.
I will come back here tomorrow and see that I did survive the night.
Heavenly Father will help me.
Good night.
I have a really stuffy nose.
I didn't sleep much last night.
I will be taking a Clonazepam tonight for sure so that I can sleep.
I will survive the night.
I am posting this here to prove to myself that I WILL survive the night, and that life will go on tomorrow.
I have taken 2 Sudafed (at around 7:20 p.m.).
I HAVE to be able to breathe. I expect the Clonazepam to help me sleep, in spite of the Sudafed.
I squirted saline solution up my nose. I will gargle with salt water.
I didn't eat much today. I didn't feel like it, so I drank some Gatorade. : ) I also had an apple and an orange today -- and some Fun-Yuns (Onion-flavored crispy things), and 2 Metamucil bars (for some fiber). (My husband left me a note this morning that said to have a little fun today, so even though I don't recall having any fun yet today (due to my nose), I did have a little bit of FUN-Yuns!)
I asked the Sisters in my Ward to pray for me. I think there are already a few of them praying for me now because I feel a little bit less stressed about my nose situation.
I feel that I will be OK tonight.
Time to stop typing and just get ready for bed. It's 8:57 p.m.
I will come back here tomorrow and see that I did survive the night.
Heavenly Father will help me.
Good night.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Brad Wilcox's BYU Devotional Talk about Grace
Howdy! I haven't been on here for a while. That's good! Yay!
I did take a Clonazepam tonight because I had a big day today. I used to teach piano lessons, and now I'm back at it, and it's a challenge for me to teach what each student needs to know.
It'll get easier as I get back into the swing of things.
Anyway -- this past Sunday, I heard about this talk by Brad Wilcox, which he gave at a devotional at BYU.
It has been life-changing for me. It has given me a new perspective on life and how to view my day-to-day actions. I believe that my attitude toward the gospel of Jesus Christ, and how I am living my life and striving to do good things is what matters the most.
I hope you enjoy the video.
Click on the link below:
Brother Wilcox's Talk
I did take a Clonazepam tonight because I had a big day today. I used to teach piano lessons, and now I'm back at it, and it's a challenge for me to teach what each student needs to know.
It'll get easier as I get back into the swing of things.
Anyway -- this past Sunday, I heard about this talk by Brad Wilcox, which he gave at a devotional at BYU.
It has been life-changing for me. It has given me a new perspective on life and how to view my day-to-day actions. I believe that my attitude toward the gospel of Jesus Christ, and how I am living my life and striving to do good things is what matters the most.
I hope you enjoy the video.
Click on the link below:
Brother Wilcox's Talk
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