Howdy.
It's 5:35 a.m.
I am here right now because I'm working through a panic attack at the moment.
I went to bed at 10 p.m. last night. I woke up a little before 5 a.m. At first, it was just the normal, "nature break" time. I got up, went to the bathroom, then put earplugs in so that I could sleep through any possible up-coming noise.
I had a little bit of a headache. I drank water. I took 2 ibuprophen. I blew my nose.....
I went back to bed to lie down and then my stomach started to hurt. I was feeling very hungry.
I just began a "weight-loss" program on June 11th, and it's a pretty regimented one. Eat 110 calories every 2 hours -- 5 times a day and then eat some protein and veggies.
I began to have a panic attack. My mind started spinning and thinking about all of the things that I should do to stop the panic attack. I had wanted to sleep some more, but oh well! It was time to take a Clonazepam and EAT a few things.
I took a Clonazepam, drank water, had to run to the bathroom again. I prayed for help.
I took out my "splint" (which I wear over my bottom teeth).
Then got 1/2 cup of cottage cheese, started eating it, then opened-up one of the 110 calorie bars, and began eating it. Got an electrolyte drink from the fridge and began drinking it. Ate about 9 pistachios.
I'm starting to feel really tired.
The panic feelings are subsiding. : ) Yay!
I recorded what I've eaten.
I felt a little overwhelmed as I was thinking about my son's upcoming marriage, and going there, and being the "perfect Mom". I thought to myself, "It's not about you. It's about him. It's his day. He's not aware of all of your feelings. He cares, sure, a little bit, as much as a son can. : ) But he's oblivious to your "pain" that you feel from not being able to be with him 24/7 for his later growing-up years. It's water underneath the bridge. There's nothing you can do to change it, and there's nothing you can do to "make" him feel a certain way toward you. Let it come naturally. If he feels a certain way toward you -- great! Hopefully he only has positive thoughts about you. You have done what you can to support him and love him. : )
I also want to succeed on this program. I do not like the painful hunger feelings each morning lately.
I believe that with God's help, I will be able to succeed.
There's a book and a workbook that goes with the program that I could/should be reading. I struggle with wanting to take the time to read anything, actually, but I know it would probably be helpful to read it as I go through my day-to-day activities.
There's food in the fridge that I haven't been eating, since I'm on this program, and can't eat it right now..... oh well.
I haven't been organizing the papers on my desk, etc....
I should probably stop typing now. My energy is low, since the Clonazepam has kicked-in! : ) I am SO thankful that I have Clonazepam to take for these times.
I might brush my teeth, put my splint back in and go lie back down for 2 or 3 hours, and then get back up to eat my 2nd "small" meal of the day. : )
Have a good day!!
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
Saturday, April 22, 2017
It has been a while..............
Hi! I haven't posted anything on here since July of 2015.
I have still felt the need to take a Clonazepam about once a month, almost every month, when I've felt "those feelings" coming on, but during the last almost 2 years, I don't think I've had a "panic attack" experience like I did this past Wednesday night.
Wednesday was busy for me. I ate a good breakfast, but I did not have a really good lunch or dinner. I also ate a FEW sweets that evening, but not a lot.
I didn't have to make lemon bars AND chocolate chip cookies to take to the Relief Society game night at church, but I did. I wanted to do a "test-run" of making lemon bars, because next week, there is a funeral, and I signed-up to take lemon bars to the luncheon, and I haven't made lemon bars in a LONG time, so I wasn't sure if I had a recipe that I liked.
Then, I thought that if the lemon bars didn't turn-out good, I wanted to have a back-up dessert to take to the Relief Society game night, and I had the time......., so I made the cookies too. (An ingredient of a recipe for a bad night.)
The day before, I had contacted a sister in our Ward and asked her for a ride to church, however, after I had made the lemon bars and cookies, I was feeling like I should stay home, because I wanted to just sit and relax, after concentrating so hard on making the lemon bars and cookies. I felt like my brain needed a rest. However -- I somehow felt obligated to go and interact, so I did not call and cancel my ride. (This was probably the wrong thing to do at this point.)
The lemon bars turned out good enough. People liked them. However -- next time, I think I might want to put powdered sugar in the shortbread part, instead of sugar. But that means making another "tester" batch..... so if I don't get around to doing that, I might just want to keep the recipe as it is for now and do a new tester batch another day.
Interacting with others always somewhat stresses me out, since I feel pressure to say and do all the right things! Although, when I type out my thoughts, it seems a bit ridiculous to feel that way.
Anyway -- I survived the night, came home, and then received a call from a lady in our Ward who asked me if I'd be able to give her a ride somewhere the next afternoon. I said I could do that.
Of course, that meant that I'd need to get up early the next morning so that I could ride with my husband to his work so that I could have the car.
I had been looking forward to sleeping-in the next day, but now, that wasn't going to happen.
Was that the "straw" that broke me? Perhaps. I don't know.
I started feeling very icky. I started to panic. I took a Clonazepam. I started sweating. Then I got cold. I felt nauseous. I got ready for bed and laid down. My husband came in the room to be with me. He hadn't been feeling that great either. He said he had several sore muscles in his back and neck. I felt bad that he was having to take care of me instead of lying down himself so that he could rest. But I couldn't dwell on that. There was nothing I could do to change anything.
He asked me if I wanted him to call the lady back and tell her I couldn't pick her up the next day. I told him yes, even though I knew I'd feel better the next afternoon, I didn't really want to have to get up early the next day and I didn't want to think about what I needed to do the next day.
He left and then came back in the room and said he couldn't reach her on her phone, so he would call her the next day.
Then I felt like I needed to throw-up. I sat up and picked-up my trash can that was beside my bed. Pretty soon, I threw-up several times, and then my stomach felt a LOT better!
I went and drank a cup of milk and some water. Then I brushed my teeth again.
I took another Clonazepam, since the first one hadn't done anything, and had most surely exited my body, along with the contents of my stomach.
I then laid back down and started feeling more relaxed, and I was able to fall asleep pretty quickly.
Phew.
I slept several hours, then sometime around 4 a.m., I woke up to take a "nature break", and was feeling a lot better, so I wrote a note to my husband to let him know I was feeling better, and that I was going to go with him in the morning to his work so that I could help that lady.
I went back to bed and then woke again with my alarm, went with my husband to his work and then was able to help the lady in the afternoon.
THE END
I have still felt the need to take a Clonazepam about once a month, almost every month, when I've felt "those feelings" coming on, but during the last almost 2 years, I don't think I've had a "panic attack" experience like I did this past Wednesday night.
Wednesday was busy for me. I ate a good breakfast, but I did not have a really good lunch or dinner. I also ate a FEW sweets that evening, but not a lot.
I didn't have to make lemon bars AND chocolate chip cookies to take to the Relief Society game night at church, but I did. I wanted to do a "test-run" of making lemon bars, because next week, there is a funeral, and I signed-up to take lemon bars to the luncheon, and I haven't made lemon bars in a LONG time, so I wasn't sure if I had a recipe that I liked.
Then, I thought that if the lemon bars didn't turn-out good, I wanted to have a back-up dessert to take to the Relief Society game night, and I had the time......., so I made the cookies too. (An ingredient of a recipe for a bad night.)
The day before, I had contacted a sister in our Ward and asked her for a ride to church, however, after I had made the lemon bars and cookies, I was feeling like I should stay home, because I wanted to just sit and relax, after concentrating so hard on making the lemon bars and cookies. I felt like my brain needed a rest. However -- I somehow felt obligated to go and interact, so I did not call and cancel my ride. (This was probably the wrong thing to do at this point.)
The lemon bars turned out good enough. People liked them. However -- next time, I think I might want to put powdered sugar in the shortbread part, instead of sugar. But that means making another "tester" batch..... so if I don't get around to doing that, I might just want to keep the recipe as it is for now and do a new tester batch another day.
Interacting with others always somewhat stresses me out, since I feel pressure to say and do all the right things! Although, when I type out my thoughts, it seems a bit ridiculous to feel that way.
Anyway -- I survived the night, came home, and then received a call from a lady in our Ward who asked me if I'd be able to give her a ride somewhere the next afternoon. I said I could do that.
Of course, that meant that I'd need to get up early the next morning so that I could ride with my husband to his work so that I could have the car.
I had been looking forward to sleeping-in the next day, but now, that wasn't going to happen.
Was that the "straw" that broke me? Perhaps. I don't know.
I started feeling very icky. I started to panic. I took a Clonazepam. I started sweating. Then I got cold. I felt nauseous. I got ready for bed and laid down. My husband came in the room to be with me. He hadn't been feeling that great either. He said he had several sore muscles in his back and neck. I felt bad that he was having to take care of me instead of lying down himself so that he could rest. But I couldn't dwell on that. There was nothing I could do to change anything.
He asked me if I wanted him to call the lady back and tell her I couldn't pick her up the next day. I told him yes, even though I knew I'd feel better the next afternoon, I didn't really want to have to get up early the next day and I didn't want to think about what I needed to do the next day.
He left and then came back in the room and said he couldn't reach her on her phone, so he would call her the next day.
Then I felt like I needed to throw-up. I sat up and picked-up my trash can that was beside my bed. Pretty soon, I threw-up several times, and then my stomach felt a LOT better!
I went and drank a cup of milk and some water. Then I brushed my teeth again.
I took another Clonazepam, since the first one hadn't done anything, and had most surely exited my body, along with the contents of my stomach.
I then laid back down and started feeling more relaxed, and I was able to fall asleep pretty quickly.
Phew.
I slept several hours, then sometime around 4 a.m., I woke up to take a "nature break", and was feeling a lot better, so I wrote a note to my husband to let him know I was feeling better, and that I was going to go with him in the morning to his work so that I could help that lady.
I went back to bed and then woke again with my alarm, went with my husband to his work and then was able to help the lady in the afternoon.
THE END
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